Conversations

Last week, Ben's new friend asked Ben if he went to church. The question may seem random, but it is something that definitely affects friendships around here. There are families that only allow their kids to play with other kids of the same religion for fear of contamination or a destruction of their kid's faith. We have encountered this with both homeschoolers and public schooled families. If your kids moral fiber is so fragile that mere conversation with someone of a different opinion can unravel their belief system, then it probably wasn't a strong belief to begin with.

Yesterday, Ben's friend mentioned they used to go to church before they moved to this state, but the church they found here does not allow the use of coffee or tea. (I don't know what church he was referring to and I will make no assumptions) Ben said to me he thought perhaps the parents simply did not want to attend church anymore, but didn't want to admit that fact to themselves. He felt the coffee/tea use was an easy excuse to gain what they wanted without having to really think about or question what they were doing.

He then talked about an experience at cub scouts last year when the boys in the group were asked to describe what faith meant to them. Ben said all of the boys seemed to give the same answer and he felt that they were just parroting something that had been fed to them, not really expressing their own views or thoughts. He told me that he had to really think about what faith meant to him before he could answer the question, that he was glad he didn't have a memorized response.

Ben also mentioned his fascination with different religions in the world. What they believe, how they are similar and not so similar. How religious beliefs have directed the course of history and why. It's an interesting topic! He ended the conversation by saying that if he someday decided to join a formal religion, it will be because he has thought about it and truly believes and understands it is the right course for him. He knows David and I will support him if he does choose this path.

It was a great conversation as we were driving around town on a sunny day.

Arthur's Week

Arthur has had a very busy week, I've been finding evidence of his many projects scattered throughout the house. It's fun to walk into a room and see what he's been up to while my attention has been elsewhere.

Reading, reading, reading - of course. His day is not complete if he hasn't spent some time with his beloved books. There is something about being surrounded by literature that just makes him happy!

Crossword puzzle. A friend of mine sent us an envelope full of puzzle books (thanks, Jen!) and after watching me for a couple of days, Arthur decided to give one a try. I love how he so precisely filled in the squares.
A random work of clothes hanger art in our closet. Every once in a while different versions of this sculpture appear. One night every doorknob in the downstairs was sporting a plastic hanger. Pretty cool!

Self Portrait. Notice the eyeglasses in the drawing, he was very proud of that little detail. When Arthur drew another portrait the next night, he left off the glasses because he wasn't wearing them. He looks so grown up in this photo!

He also decided to write his name last night, something he hasn't particularly been interested in lately.

Arthur has also been on a hike, watched Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, memorized the Digimon movie (it's so much fun to watch with him, he acts out all of the parts), spent a day pretending to be a puppy and has just generally been his own awesome self. He's a great person to spend time with, I'm grateful that I get the opportunity to do so every day!!

Carnival of Unschooling Life

It's posted!!! There are several new blogs this month with some great entries. Check it out!

The Obligatory Halloween Pics ;)

This has to be my favorite photo this year. Ethan is so incredibly happy with his "Boy" costume (his character on ToonTown) and this pic just captures his joy! He wore the nose and ears for most of the day.
All together now. Ben as a Castform (Pokemon), Arthur as SuperWhy (after 5 consecutive years as Spiderman, a change of costume!) and Ethan as "Boy".

The morning after. Arthur woke up this AM, stripped off his shirt and got down to the very important business of eating his candy. He didn't even have time to look up and smile for the camera.

Ethan let me borrow his Pikachu hat last night, he didn't want me to go out without a costume. How embarrassing would THAT be?

This photo just makes me laugh! I think I may post it as my profile pic on Facebook.

I hope you all enjoyed your Halloween shenanigans :D

Smile

Things that me smile...

The short story that Ben is writing.

Ethan hopping on his bouncy ball.

Arthur saying my name because he's happy.

Ben being excited about his pottery class.

Arthur and his stack of catalogues.

Ethan laughing until he doesn't make any sound.

Coffee brewing, brownies baking, music playing.

Working at Play

"When we adults think of children there is a simple truth that we ignore: childhood is not preparation for life; childhood is life. A child isn't getting ready to live; a child is living. No child will miss the zest and joy of living unless these are denied by adults who have convinced themselves that childhood is a period of preparation"

-John A Taylor Notes on an Unhurried Journey

I am frequently asked what my children do all day and to give the answer "well, they play", while accurate, seems to be an inadequate response. People are looking for a list of activities that indicate that my boys are visibly productive, working towards a clear goal in neatly numbered steps. Our society has largely lost the ability to play and, more significantly, appreciate the importance of play.

"What we have to learn to do, we learn by doing" -Aristotle

A quick Google search this morning revealed three articles discussing the importance of play in childhood development. One from NPR in February 2008, another from The Scientific American Mind in February 2009, and a report on The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds from the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2007. All three articles agree that play is critical to the healthy growth of humans.

"When I approach a child, he inspires in me two sentiments; tenderness for what he is, and respect for what he may become." - Louis Pasteur

The NPR story attributes a lack of creativity in play today to the mass marketing of toys, starting in 1955 with Mattel. "Until 1955, ad budgets at toy companies were minuscule, so the only time they could afford to hawk their wares on TV was during Christmas. But then came Mattel and the Thunder Burp, which, according to Howard Chudacoff, a cultural historian at Brown University, was a kind of historical watershed. Almost overnight, children's play became focused, as never before, on things — the toys themselves. " Chudacoff argues that kids imaginative play diminished at this point because play was then scripted according to the type of toy or TV show/movie it originated from.

"As a child lives today, he will tomorrow." - John Dewey

I disagree with this and I believe it seriously underestimates the range and diversity of a child's imagination. It is not the object that stifles the imagination, it is a lack of respect for the serious business of play. If a child is given the space, time and respect required, it doesn't matter what kind of toy they have in their hand. Their story will unfold and the object will become anything they desire. I have watched my boys play pretend ToonTown, Pokemon, and Avatar. Their imagination takes the plot of those shows and games and creates new dramas and adventures for the characters.

"Learning is a kind of natural food for the mind." - Cicero

The article in The Scientific American Mind and the paper from the American Academy of Pediatrics both mention that children lack the space to play because parents and schools are pushing children to succeed academically at younger ages than in years past. Free time is being sacrificed in favor of structured activities; different kinds of lessons, gym classes, sports programs. Individually, these activities can be fun, en masse, they are hampering a child's ability to develop their cognitive skills. From the NPR piece: "According to Berk, one reason make-believe is such a powerful tool for building self-discipline is because during make-believe, children engage in what's called private speech: They talk to themselves about what they are going to do and how they are going to do it...Unfortunately, the more structured the play, the more children's private speech declines."

"Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Sergio M. Pellis, a behavioral neuroscientist at the University of Lethbridge in Alberta, believes that restricting a child's access to free, unstructured play “simply defrays those costs to later, when those same children will have difficulty in dealing with an unpredictable, complex world,” Pellis says. “A child who has had a rich exposure to social play experiences is more likely to become an adult who can manage unpredictable social situations.”

"There is no difference between living and learning." - John Holt

I began thinking about this after I read a piece about the serious work of play, over at Anne's blog Main Entry: rad·i·cal Pronunciation: \ˈra-di-kəl\ . Her son, Sam, coined the term "pinicular work" to describe the most precious time of learning, growing and discovering in childhood. The work that all children need the space to perform in order to be, according to the research contained in all three of the articles I found, happy and successful adults.

"To invent you need a good imagination and a pile of junk." - Thomas Edison

What I love about the term "pinicular work" is that her son was 3 when he knew how important his play was to his well being. It didn't need to be taught, it is knowledge that we are all born with but most forget. The subject that so many psychiatrists and scientists need to study in order to understand it's significance was, and continues to be so many years later, a daily part of Sam's life. His parents gave him the gift of respecting his need to pursue his passions and be consumed by his imagination.

"The important thing is not to stop questioning." - Albert Einstein

My boys spend their days playing, lost in their imaginary worlds, exploring ideas for hours at a time. The best parts of my day involve watching them create, discover and simply enjoy their time to do whatever it is that they deem to be necessary at that particular moment. Perhaps, when I am asked what my kids do all day I should cite the information that I gathered from the articles. Or, maybe I'll just tell them that my kids are involved in their "pinicular work".

"Childhood has it's own way of seeing, thinking, and feeling, and nothing is more foolish than to try to substitute ours for theirs." - Jean Jacques Rousseau

I hope that my boys have the honor of continuing this kind of work throughout their lives.

Unerzogen Magazine Article

I had the opportunity to write for the German Unerzogen Magazine last month about my journey unschooling kids who would be considered "atypical" or "special needs" in a mainstream system. It was co-written with Ren Allen, a long time unschooling mom of four and one of several experienced parents whose willingness to share their time, advice and support have helped me to embrace and understand the concepts of unschooling. Her posts on the AlwaysLearning and unschoolingbasics groups are what started me thinking about labels and how unnecessary they are, so it was nice to get a chance to meet and hear her talk at LiG in May. Ren's article can be found here, it's a beautiful piece honoring her son, Jalen, and containing a lot of great ideas. Her depth of experience is a nice balance for my newbie perspective! If you are able to read German (or just want to see the photos that go with the writing), you can purchase the articles at the magazine's website. ;)

SO HERE IT IS! THE UNERZOGEN ARTICLE:

My family is relatively new to unschooling, doing so for about a year and a half now, and I understand how some of the concepts can be hard to accept. A few of the common sticking points that pop up time and time again in the online message boards involve letting go of television limits, inflexible bedtimes, and controlling the food our children eat. The most challenging idea for me was that the principles of unschooling remain the same for every child. Children learn what they need to know, when they need to know it, when they are respected, trusted, and surrounded with interesting things to do. This will work because all children are born with a love of and a desire for learning. It seems pretty basic, the same for every child no matter who they are. Why was this so difficult for me to grasp?

I am the mom of three amazing boys (ages 12, 8 and 6) the younger two would be labeled “special needs” if they attended a formal school. Society tells us that kids who develop at a significantly different pace from the established norm require a team of experts, therapists, doctors and teachers in order to lead a functional life. The accepted belief is that children with developmental delays cannot learn or progress without these teams, that they somehow lack the capacity to learn on their own. There is an underlying idea that parents cannot possibly understand how to raise their own kids because they don’t have the years of training that the experts’ posses. There is a subtle, pervasive notion that these beautiful, whole individuals need to be fixed. These children are considered broken. Society’s expectation was hindering my ability to understand how the principles of unschooling applied to my sons.

When I first started reading the discussion threads in the online unschooling groups, I felt frustrated. How could I possibly use these concepts with my two youngest boys when they need so much help in their daily lives? The sentence “well, they won’t be (choose one) having toileting accidents, running in the street without looking, screaming because they are unable to express their needs when they are 20 years old” caused me to cringe because in my house we could be dealing with the same issues at that point. In order to trust my sons, I needed to stop buying into what the experts preached and throw away their test results. The word functional was used repeatedly in reference to my boys, but I wanted them to be more than just functional in life. I wanted them to be content. I accepted the idea that it will always be me, my husband and one, possibly two of our kids for the rest of our lives. Arthur and Ethan would let me know what they needed if I listened to them.

Over the course of the last year we have discontinued their Occupational, Physical and Speech therapies. Neither Arthur nor Ethan were enjoying their time with the therapists and would spend their sessions diligently avoiding any activity set before them. It occurred to me that no matter how kind and well intentioned the therapists may have been, hours of therapy every week was implying “you’re not good enough” or “you are broken”. It is the job of specialists and therapists to find what they define as a problem and try to fix it, but the resulting message told my sons they were flawed. How could Arthur and Ethan possibly succeed if that was the undertone of their lives? They responded by shutting down and I could think of many other ways we could be spending the time we devoted to therapy. I am not arguing that therapy is evil and always unnecessary. I’m encouraging parents to think about why their child is there and whether it’s the right path for their child at that moment. For us, it was not.

Arthur and Ethan are just as capable of knowing their needs as my oldest son Ben, even if they can’t communicate it in the same way. The principles of unschooling are the same for every single child. In trusting them, they have shown me that they will learn at their own pace. I am often surprised by what they have learned without my knowing when it happened. I discovered that Arthur could drink without a straw when he picked up his dad’s orange juice and drank the entire glass. I knew that he could pour his own milk when I came into the kitchen and saw him sitting at the table with a full cup. The day I learned that he could dress and undress himself involved an afternoon in the backyard in various states of nudity. Arthur showed his ability to continue a color pattern when he successfully completed a computer game without any help. Ethan told me he understood subtraction when he informed me that we used to have three fish, then two, then one. He demonstrated addition by stating that if we bought two fish, we would have three again. I have not given them formal lessons on any of these topics, they learned because it was relevant to their lives. Just for the record, the four skills that Arthur demonstrated to me recently were skills that the experts said he would require therapy to learn.

Arthur loves books and is rarely without one or more in his arms. The I spy books, gaming manuals, photography collections, art museum guides, cookbooks, toy catalogues, he loves them all. He also memorizes them all. After spending an afternoon building marble mazes, he rummaged through the bookshelves until he found the I spy book with the photograph of marbles. I asked him to find the marble with the cat on it and he didn’t even hesitate before pointing. When he watches Pokémon, he brings out the gaming manuals and immediately flips to the page describing the Pokémon shown on the screen. He remembers books that I have forgotten we own and pulls them out in order to suit whatever he is working on that day. He has no interest in reading right now and I don’t want to squash his love of books by putting him on a schedule to read. He understands the pictures and that is the first step. He’ll take the next step when he is ready, whether it is in 6 months or 6 years the information is available to him. We’re in no rush. If he’s never ready to take that next step, he will have retained his passion for books.

Ethan has an incredible imagination. He will watch a movie or play a video game and spend the rest of the day pretending to be in that game or movie, acting out scenarios. Six months ago his speech was very difficult to comprehend, but through his pretend play his clarity has improved so much that people outside of the immediate family can often understand him. He wants to be heard, so he works on speaking clearly. When he can’t think of or can’t say the word he wants to use, he uses sound effects to express himself. It is a very clever way to work around a temporary problem. I have no doubt that he will continue to improve because it’s important to him. Arthur, by contrast, doesn’t feel the need to communicate verbally and has mastered expressing himself with gestures and facial expressions. Both boys are meeting their needs at this time without intervention. Respecting the way that they choose to communicate increases their confidence and encourages them to continue to grow.

Therapy can be a great resource when a child has a goal in mind and wants to be there. A year ago, my 8 year old became frustrated with his lack of coordination when he was trying to run. We engaged a physical therapist with the understanding that it would be a short term commitment. He learned to run and we ended the sessions. When he needed the skill, Arthur expressed the desire and enthusiastically worked towards his goal. His glowing face the day he ran across the yard for the first time was amazing, he owned that moment. I don’t think that it would have been as meaningful for him if someone else had decided it was time for him to learn to run and forced the skill upon him.

Most of society labels Arthur and Ethan “special needs”, but not me. I don’t believe that labels are helpful when they are used to define a human being; they tend to eclipse the child by making him a diagnosis instead of a person. It doesn’t mean that the unique challenges my children have don’t exist or that I am turning a blind eye to what is difficult for them. Simply that I prefer to look at them as whole people, catering to their specific needs without attempting to put them in a neat, little box. Labels are useful in providing access to information as long as that information is tailored to the child instead of molding the child to fit the information. I have read books and articles about speech therapies, discarded the research that does not apply to my boys and adapted ideas that I thought would help them. We play games such as bouncing on a ball while making different sounds, have learned some ASL, and we make silly faces to exercise their muscles. The activities are done with their consent and I know I’ve found something that suits them when I find Arthur or Ethan playing the game without me. When they are bored, we stop. If they say no to what I offer, I respect that no and drop the activity.

Ethan is very physical, so much so that he makes the people around him uncomfortable by crashing into or climbing on them. I decided that it was time for me to look into information about sensory disorders. A good amount of the descriptions seem to fit his personality, but much of it does not. I sorted through some of the sensory games offered in different books and websites to help meet his physical needs. When he is having a very active day, we do some of the exercises as play and it seems to help him. I do the same type of research when Ben is interested in learning something new. I find programs or games that I think will help him gain the knowledge he is seeking and fit it to his personality. There is no need to label any of my boys in order to help them learn.

I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I do know that there is no deadline for learning. A skill learned at ages 6 or 8 is just as much of an accomplishment when it’s learned at 20 or 30. Arthur and Ethan have enough obstacles in society without their family throwing more in their way. They are faced with people who will want to see them as a label, put them in a category. They will encounter people who won’t hear them because of who they are. My role in their lives is to trust, respect and support them. It’s not my place to force my expectation of success on any of my sons. Their home and family should always be the space that they can be themselves, accepted and loved unconditionally for the wonderful, unbroken people that they are. I can only write about my own experience of how kids flourish with unschooling. Each family makes their own path to what works best for them and they will do so knowing that the principles of unschooling are the same for every child.